Repressing?

I have so much I want to do, and almost no incentive to do it. I'm weirded out by the fact that I'm comfortable in my complacency here. I've said repeatedly that I could very easily move out right now if I wanted to, and  figure out the money later, but I don't want to live anywhere else right now. It's really comforting having my folks around to talk to for real (and get rides from and cook for and share the car with).

A lot of this has to do with travel, I think. Like i've readjusted to being home for longer than three months at a time (probably why August was so terrible) and now I'm back to that place where I have issues being away for extended periods of time. It's the reason I'm only looking at local acting jobs for the next...however long. And I'm planning a trip to new York in 3 weeks for my birthday because I figured, my internship will end soon and I'm about to have a new gig that gives me the flexibility to try and get some extra/background work during the day, so why  not go up and see everyone for a bit? but now I'm stalling because...I don't know how badly I really want to do it. I want to see everyone, but I don't want to be away from home, if that makes sense. My dad thinks I'm agoraphobic, which I think in some way I always have been even since childhood, but not in the normal way since I have no problem leaving the house. It's just for extended, overnight trips that it becomes an issue. Its why I was so surprised when my first anxiety attacks in college happened in my second year, rather than the first night (orientation doesn't count!).

I think I can deal with the stunted social life, since i've never been a big partier or go-outer anyway, but I just can't help but feel that all my friends in NYC are working on great things and I'm going to miss my chance. No one can tell me if there'll be a place for me when i do finally get there for good, and it bothers me.

Its like, I dont feel like its my time yet, but at the same time, the world is going to go on without me. And I can't figure out what's more important.

To you.

Everything might have been fine if you hadn't said that part about us being together if things had worked out differently.

nothing actually happened.

I still feel you.

So everything happened, sort of.

I hope I'm not hoping for this trip to new york just so I can get drunk and try it again.

What IS this?

Same old, same old, really.

But things are starting to pick up now. I have a couple short films I'm trying to line up, and i'm hoping I'll get a callback from Studio for the audition I did back in October. I have no paid acting work yet, but I'm getting some nice things to build up my resume and we'll see where it goes. They sound like they may want to consider me for the Box Office after my internship is over, if we can work a schedule out.  I also applied for some Brand Ambassador gigs that I heard about through one of the actors in the student film I'm shooting this weekend, but I've not gotten any leads yet. (There's great money and flexibility in it, so fingers crossed - my loans go into repayment tomorrow.)

My biggest issue is still this whole dating thing. I can't get into it. Can't get my head around it. But i need practice, just going on dates! And yet I still don't want to do it just to do it. And yet I have no problem talking to/with guys when I'm already with them for other things; it's just like...knowing it's suddenly going to be a one-on-one shuts me down.

I think, with everything in my life right now, I like the image of it more than the actual thing.

MOAR ANXIETIES...ISH

Just a few quick thoughts today:

First, its so easy for me to get distracted by the things I read about in the morning; my horoscope, the social anxiety forum, etc. Recently it's been the dream dictionary because my dreams have been extremely vivid. And weird. Almost everything I've interpreted this week has been something to do with unconscious fear, inadequacy, hidden desires.

Secondly, I still can't quite get over this moving thing. Again I realize that BEING there, LIVING there on my own isn't the issue, it's the problem I have with the actual act of moving. I know im going to have massive panics leading up to it, whenever it may happen (I'm aiming for next September but that might just be to make myself feel better), and I just don't want to deal with feeling all that. (im the kind of person who looks at big shifts in terms of first and last: "three weeks from now is my last night as a resident of dc" kind of thing. Its agonizing.) On the other hand, I know that even just having my friends around will make my life infinitely better when I do do it. But "my life as a single struggling actor in new York" is not something I can comfortably fathom right now.

Believe me though, I am trying. Sometimes I feel like I've really warmed up to it. I've been looking at apartments, just for kicks, and I don't even know where to begin.

I am so overwhelmed by the possibilities of my future it's not even funny.

Thirdly, back to the dating thing. I think, given my lack of experience, dating is something I'd like to be doing. I know I'm not in the game (whatever that means), so I'm trying to at least put myself out there a little. There's a college student I kind of thought I wanted to ask out at work, but I discovered in my trying to rationalize why and how I was gonna do it, that I have the intellectual capacity of a middle-schooler when it comes to being straightforward in person. (I also wonder if that means I don't actually like him?) I am intrigued by online dating, and I thought I'd found a new site I really liked, which claims to be focused on getting you offline going places rather than messaging via the site--and then, after I registered, I discovered I can't read or respond to any messages unless I pay! Even okcupid didn't do things like that, although it seems like this new site could bring a better crowd. They claim its to only bring in people who are serious about meeting people, and I can see the logic behind that, but in no way is the possibility of maybe meeting someone awesome worth a monthly subscription fee. Especially if I have no feel for the thing beforehand.

I'm leaving the profile up with the hope they might change this, but in the meantime there are a lot of guys who aren't going to get responses because I refuse to pay for that.

Lastly, I'm still looking for better things. Still no one bites. I hope this time it's because my schedule is whack rather than they think im unqualified.

And I have two auditions this week, on Monday for Shakespeare Theater Company and Tuesday for a non-paying, community theater "A Christmas Carol." Which one do you think I'm gonna get in to?

Sigh.

For the first time since August, I think, I am finally starting to feel normal when I wake up. I think a lot has to do with the fact that I disabled my okcupid account, which was a hideous time suck and was making me crazy with the desperate trolls and the constant plus my ego kept feeling. Im glad to be done with it for now. I still wish I could turn off my brain, and there are still things that are bothering me, but I feel more or less ok. Maybe I'm just less overwhelmed.

As for what is nagging at me:
-I keep thinking I want to go up to new york for Thanksgiving to see my friends (its been almost five months since graduation; I can't handle it!), but I don't know if I actually do. I think deep down I actually hate to travel (I always have to bring anti-anxiety stuff with me). But I'm just really sick of the rest of my family. Last time we got together I had to answer ridiculous questions about why I was still home and what I was doing and blah blah blah, and I just don't want to deal with these people anymore.

My dad says to get over it, since they all have money and were able to buy homes and a set-up for all their kids right when they graduated. And good for them! We don't hold it against them. But rich people never understand less rich people, and I'm just sick of feeling like I have to justify my life to everyone. I figured if I went to new York I wouldn't have to worry about it, but now I don't know anymore.

Sigh.

-Mom keeps saying she wants to move to Bethesda. Now, I know it won't happen for at least a year, because my dad just finally got steady employment and we have a relatively big hole to dig ourselves out of to make up for the last three years. My dad also says he really doesn't want to.

Moving is still a trigger for me. I realize I won't be  here forever, and I can't hold them back from moving if they want to, but im like... Whenever it happens I need to move first. Because if I'm settled somewhere else, I can't be stressed about them moving. But moving with them would just be ridiculous.

But seriously, why put yourself through stress like that if you don't need to?

Moving?

On Monday I gave myself an 8-month deadline to figure out if I want to/ will be ready to move to new York. On one hand, it feels really good to have given myself a deadline; on the other, I still absolutely don't want to do it.

I'm really conflicted. I'm hesitant to take any kind of full-time job here because I still want to end up there eventually, so it seems pointless to tie myself to that big of a commitment for so short a time. But I only make about $195 a week right now, and I cant live on that. And yet I both enjoy and feel  stagnated by my florist job, which I don't need my degree for and which isn't something I want to do long-term. But I like it, and I don't really want to quit yet if after my internship I can pick up something else (that pays).

And I'm really complacent about all of this.

I think it comes down to not wanting to deal with the stress of actually moving--finding a place and a friend to live with, scoping out neighborhoods, etc. I just don't want to deal with all that anticipation. I started looking at apartments online yesterday because I was bored but I don't even know where to start--and none of the friends I want to live with want to go intro a more upscale area with me. and my parents, bless them, are giving me a sweet deal-I pay no rent, come and go as I like (which isn't often)*, and we always have each others company.

*part of me feels like staying here is holding me back socially. I didn't used to think that, but I remember how in college I never felt obligated to be home and so was more inclined to go out or have people over. Here at home, when I'm in with my folks, I just want to stay in with them.

This has all started to take over my thoughts again when I wake up.

I really don't know what to do. Staying here doesn't quite feel right, but neither does new York.

Adulthood sucks.

No, absolutely not, I am not insecure at all

I wonder if doctors know how badly people just do not want to be in their offices.

Especially when they start asking you all those awkward questions. Like, "are you single? Do you live alone?" And my favorite, "are you sexually active?"

In my case this morning though, it was "you have never been sexually active?" And her eyes went all wide.

I know why you're asking this, lady, but you could be less incredulous about it. I never feel like my lack of sexual history is something to be pitied until I walk into a doctor's office. And if I may quote "Juno," "sexually active, like what does that even mean?"

I've done other things. It almost happened once and I'm not sorry, although I am secretly relieved, right now, that it didn't. Do I want to be having sex? Kinda. Could I if I wanted? probably.  But not for it's own sake.

But as a doctor, you should understand that there are more reasons for my taking medications than sex, and I do thank you for your honesty about why I don't need certain things.

But a doctor is the last person I would expect to be incredulous about virginity. Or at least work on your bedside manner.