Today was the first day I've been home alone since moving back here. It was appropriately weird, I guess, but it doesn't suck. I'm 22 and a college grad; I should not be talking about being home alone like it's some sort of phenomenon. What makes it so unbearable is the lack of work. Or rather, lack of productive things to do. I'm not even interested in a traditional career right now, but I'd love to work somewhere fun that gets me out of the house and meeting people and doing people a service. (And I'm sure people will say "oh, great attitude, go waste your life." Well, screw that. I have my reasons.)
I had my third interview with the coffeehouse down the street from me today, and for the first time I feel like I blew it. I hope I didn't. I had to go in and meet the owner, which I think is great - they're independently owned and surprisingly thorough. My first two interviews with the manager went great. Today the owner was asking me some of the same stuff, plus a lot of things about if was getting my own place any time soon, etc, which I thought was sort of unnecessary, but maybe he's just gauging everything - and I have to remember, I've only ever had one real job in my whole life (which is more than many people my age, but still...) and I'm still learning the ropes of interviewing. He was very warm and friendly and seemed easy to talk to, and so of course when he asked me if I had been looking for anything else I went ahead and mentioned the after-school teacher training because why not? It's a month away and there's no guarantee it'll come to anything, and it's all in the afternoons so it ideally won't conflict with coffee. And at the time, it seemed okay to mention, although now I realize I shouldn't have, even though he didn't seem to be indicating things one way or the other.
I just really want to work there and I hope hope hope I didn't blow it. That and the teaching gig would be lovely for a while - teaching drama is in my field and the coffeehouse is part of a cool little bohemian-y existence I always imagined it would be fun to have. And then I was going to just roll on from there.
And it's especially hard, now, to think I could blow an interview at a coffeehouse. It seems trivial - it's NOT, at all - but there's a certain amount of pride that comes with able to find something you think is good so soon out of school. It's not in my field, no, but it's the right environment for me at this particular time, I think. Which makes it important. Which makes it important enough, for the moment, to beat myself up over.
Because I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
A Quick Thought On Dreams
This year they've gotten steadily more vivid. Maybe it compensates for the fact that in real life I don't often feel like I have anything important to say.
Alternatively, my dad has a new job, so tomorrow will be the first time I've actually been legitimately alone all summer. Here's hoping I do not go insane.
Alternatively, my dad has a new job, so tomorrow will be the first time I've actually been legitimately alone all summer. Here's hoping I do not go insane.
Friday, July 27, 2012
New beginnings, and an introduction.
I imagine that my writing - and therefore, the caliber of this blog - will improve as I go along. For now, though, I'm just overwhelmed with a need to write about everything. Anything. Whatever. And this blog has been a really long time in the making.
In previous summers, I've said I'd start one. Years and years ago, back in high school, I started a LiveJournal (because it was a thing) which I've since abandoned except for posting things on my college forum. I'm an alumnus now, so I'll probably just let it die. Last summer, I started a Wordpress, and then shut it down in favor of my tumblr, which I also tired of in a few months.
I want to make this one work, though. Even if it's not something permanent. And I see value in maybe trying to make a little money off it if I can. I'm going to learn how.
Anyway, the title of this space comes from the fact that, as a recent college grad (as of May) I am now - oh no! - another 20-something with 20-something problems. And I'm not sure I know how to handle them. I think that a lot of this sudden need I have to write and vent stems from my unemployment (my choice, since I quit my old retail job of six years 2 weeks before I left school) and my feeling that I tend to feel things much more deeply than other people. I came home (I didn't really "move back in" with my parents because even 4 years at Purchase didn't mean I ever actually "left") this summer ready to decompress for a year or five while I tried to pursue new things. And for whatever reason I can't fathom, I'm really struggling with it. I love my parents and I love being home with them so so so much right now, and I have absolutely no plans to leave any time soon even if I could afford to. Alternatively, I'm an only child, my family is deeply close, and my parents would never dream of kicking me out. They like having me home too :)
Except that I struggle every day with the fact that I'm not ready. I have so much I think I want to be; so much I think I want to do, but when it comes time to planning those things, or thinking about how I can actually make them happen, I shut down. I suffered from pretty crippling anxiety as a child, and although it's gotten much better in my later years, it comes back at the oddest times now. "Moving" is like a trigger word. I see no reason to do it right now, although I certainly don't plan to be here forever (but they wouldn't mind!).
And the only person who's actually bothered by this fact is me.
Because like my friends - most of whom are from school and from New York - I'm just doing my own thing. Some also came home, though out of financial need rather than a need to be close to family. Others moved and never looked back. And everything we're all doing is working for each of us. Some people even tell me they envy the fact that my relationship with my parents enables us to live together like this.
My whole summer has been this weird string of panic, acceptance, planning, unplanning, more panic, etc. Part of it might be the unemployment and the fact that after August, unless I go to grad school, I'm done with school FOREVER OMG and this will soon be the longest I've been home in four years. And it's weird. So I've just been looking actively for a new job (not even a career, because I don't really know for certain what I want to do yet) and trying to get used to auditioning as often as a I can, since I thought I wanted to be an actor. Even that's made me antsy lately, because you have to be out looking for things EVERY DAY and it's a hell of life. I didn't move right to New York City to pursue it because I need a lot of other stuff first. And New York is ruinously expensive. And overwhelming as hell.
In spite of this all though, I've been able to give myself a lot of TLC, and have really cool intellectual conversations with my dad. And take care of my fish :) And I have two job leads for things that are completely different from each other and that I can do at the same time, and expect to be employed again by the end of the summer.
Everyone told me this year would be hard and I didn't believe them. And then suddenly graduation happened and I came home going "who is this person and how did she get here?" And I still don't know, exactly, where I'm going. I guess I can be content in my stagnation for a while.
But I have no obligations right now, other than to let these totally typical post-grad issues not get to me. So I'm going to write. Often. Because why not?
In previous summers, I've said I'd start one. Years and years ago, back in high school, I started a LiveJournal (because it was a thing) which I've since abandoned except for posting things on my college forum. I'm an alumnus now, so I'll probably just let it die. Last summer, I started a Wordpress, and then shut it down in favor of my tumblr, which I also tired of in a few months.
I want to make this one work, though. Even if it's not something permanent. And I see value in maybe trying to make a little money off it if I can. I'm going to learn how.
Anyway, the title of this space comes from the fact that, as a recent college grad (as of May) I am now - oh no! - another 20-something with 20-something problems. And I'm not sure I know how to handle them. I think that a lot of this sudden need I have to write and vent stems from my unemployment (my choice, since I quit my old retail job of six years 2 weeks before I left school) and my feeling that I tend to feel things much more deeply than other people. I came home (I didn't really "move back in" with my parents because even 4 years at Purchase didn't mean I ever actually "left") this summer ready to decompress for a year or five while I tried to pursue new things. And for whatever reason I can't fathom, I'm really struggling with it. I love my parents and I love being home with them so so so much right now, and I have absolutely no plans to leave any time soon even if I could afford to. Alternatively, I'm an only child, my family is deeply close, and my parents would never dream of kicking me out. They like having me home too :)
Except that I struggle every day with the fact that I'm not ready. I have so much I think I want to be; so much I think I want to do, but when it comes time to planning those things, or thinking about how I can actually make them happen, I shut down. I suffered from pretty crippling anxiety as a child, and although it's gotten much better in my later years, it comes back at the oddest times now. "Moving" is like a trigger word. I see no reason to do it right now, although I certainly don't plan to be here forever (but they wouldn't mind!).
And the only person who's actually bothered by this fact is me.
Because like my friends - most of whom are from school and from New York - I'm just doing my own thing. Some also came home, though out of financial need rather than a need to be close to family. Others moved and never looked back. And everything we're all doing is working for each of us. Some people even tell me they envy the fact that my relationship with my parents enables us to live together like this.
My whole summer has been this weird string of panic, acceptance, planning, unplanning, more panic, etc. Part of it might be the unemployment and the fact that after August, unless I go to grad school, I'm done with school FOREVER OMG and this will soon be the longest I've been home in four years. And it's weird. So I've just been looking actively for a new job (not even a career, because I don't really know for certain what I want to do yet) and trying to get used to auditioning as often as a I can, since I thought I wanted to be an actor. Even that's made me antsy lately, because you have to be out looking for things EVERY DAY and it's a hell of life. I didn't move right to New York City to pursue it because I need a lot of other stuff first. And New York is ruinously expensive. And overwhelming as hell.
In spite of this all though, I've been able to give myself a lot of TLC, and have really cool intellectual conversations with my dad. And take care of my fish :) And I have two job leads for things that are completely different from each other and that I can do at the same time, and expect to be employed again by the end of the summer.
Everyone told me this year would be hard and I didn't believe them. And then suddenly graduation happened and I came home going "who is this person and how did she get here?" And I still don't know, exactly, where I'm going. I guess I can be content in my stagnation for a while.
But I have no obligations right now, other than to let these totally typical post-grad issues not get to me. So I'm going to write. Often. Because why not?
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