So I didn't get the barista job. I did get something new today, though! More on that in a sec.
I know people say life's too short to spend at home all the time, and too short to spend with the same people forever, but honestly there's no other place I'd rather be on most occasions. This week in particular I've come to discover that I think the root of a lot of my anxiety and general lack of interest in going out at night or staying out late comes from my introvertedness.
Yes, I am officially an introvert. Not in an anti-social way, but I thrive on comfortable, familiar things-snuggling up on the couch under my blanket, long naps, books, cozy chats with my parents. Quiet things. Solitary things. Things I don't need to really think about. Things that don't cause stress. And I always knew this, because I was like this as a child, too; but it's become much more obvious in recent days. I have always been one of those people who is severely introspective and overly rational and needs to weigh every possible positive and negative outcome of everything before I'm okay with major decisions. And some minor ones. And usually the negative ones get the better of me.
I'm not necessary bothered by it. I think our personalities are hardwired in whatever way they are, and if you're okay with things, generally, it isn't a thing to try and force change upon. But I think it does explain why I have so many hangups about dating and "adult things" - the idea of putting effort towards something that I, for whatever reason, consider a deeply important, deeply personal experience with a total stranger just hasn't ever seemed worth it to me. I am utterly weirded out by the idea of it, because i havent taken the opportunity and it has never felt right. But at the same time, I think a lot about how i fear ending up alone. I am afraid both of the vulnerability involved in putting myself out there and trying and of what happens if I don't.
So I just don't. I am made of infinite contradictions.
I was offered my new job as a florist-in-training literally on the spot. I applied on a whim yesterday. I have no experience with this. They hired me anyway, and they want to train me for a full design position.
I took it, in spite of the low wages, because I want to work. I took part-time so I can continue to focus on more things in my field, even though the people in charge of hiring for those positions have not been communicative. So I'll learn about flowers, and train at Studio Theatre, and act wherever I can, and go one day at a time from there. But I'm really scared. One, I feel like I'm taking a step backward, working in retail again after college, even if it is creative and lets me work with my hands (i do love doing that, I just didn't expect it to go down this way). Two, I'll probably really like it, and I know its premature, but i think deep down theyre grooming me for a full-time position that I don't really think I want. My mom says that being afraid of something keeping me from pursuing theatre means I don't want theatre as badly as i think i do, and a part of me thinks she's right. There just isn't anything else I can imagine myself enjoying all the time as much as i do theatre.
And lastly, tomorrow mom turns 65. Not that you'd know from the state of her healthy and energy. But I graduated and she's 65 and suddenly things just HAPPENED and everything i do is a desperate attempt to slow it all down for as long as I can.
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