It's not you, it's me

It actually is me. And I am so tired of this comfort zone crap.

Yesterday I rebooted my OkCupid account and started making a  legitimate profile. I didnt upload a picture because I wasnt planning to use it for actual interaction, but I thought it might be interesting. It is a lot of fun to browse through it and see what kind of guys are out there. Some of them seem articulate and smart, but it's so hard to tell who's being genuine.

As one of my guy friends said, it would be so easy to just send someone a message and ask them to go out for a drink. So easy. But I'm not at that point right now. I actually find that idea a lot more uncomfortable than meeting someone at work or in class. I really do think that the easiest and safest way for me to do it is to have my friends set me up. (or, you know, just keep doing what I've been doing and trust that sooner or later someone I know from somewhere will ask me out.)

I also got really uncomfortable with the fact that people can see you online and kept messaging me for pictures. So I shut it down.

I don't think I'm actually that desperate. Even if it is just a drink, when I go out with you I don't want to have to agonize over how interested I really am. Because if I have to think about it that much, it isn't right. I want to meet someone, but naturally. Not out of obligation to be doing something the world thinks I should be.

This is probably going to hold me back from a lot of experiences, but it all just feels wrong. Everything feels wrong right now. I don't have a clue who I am, I don't need the extra worry about forcing interaction with strangers.

I'm trying to just go along with everything and trust that when I'm ready to move it will come naturally. But this is the crappiest time, and all I want to do right now is lie in bed with some kind of background noise and not think about the future. Anticipation is evil.

Dad wonders if the fact that I've been waking up every day with anxiety about moving, even though I have no plans to do it soon, means that deep down I really want to. Maybe. It isn't about freedom for me like it seems to be for everyone else; I'm just starting to feel like it isn't healthy for me to stay here past a certain time.

Maybe at one point I'll go back to counseling, but I feel like as long as I still have my parents to come home to I can get through it. I don't want to need counseling. I just hate not having any decent reason to get out of bed, and every morning this week I've awakened feeling crappy.

I am just so, so confused and conflicted, and so scared to be adult and navigate this life.