For the first time since August, I think, I am finally starting to feel normal when I wake up. I think a lot has to do with the fact that I disabled my okcupid account, which was a hideous time suck and was making me crazy with the desperate trolls and the constant plus my ego kept feeling. Im glad to be done with it for now. I still wish I could turn off my brain, and there are still things that are bothering me, but I feel more or less ok. Maybe I'm just less overwhelmed.

As for what is nagging at me:
-I keep thinking I want to go up to new york for Thanksgiving to see my friends (its been almost five months since graduation; I can't handle it!), but I don't know if I actually do. I think deep down I actually hate to travel (I always have to bring anti-anxiety stuff with me). But I'm just really sick of the rest of my family. Last time we got together I had to answer ridiculous questions about why I was still home and what I was doing and blah blah blah, and I just don't want to deal with these people anymore.

My dad says to get over it, since they all have money and were able to buy homes and a set-up for all their kids right when they graduated. And good for them! We don't hold it against them. But rich people never understand less rich people, and I'm just sick of feeling like I have to justify my life to everyone. I figured if I went to new York I wouldn't have to worry about it, but now I don't know anymore.

Sigh.

-Mom keeps saying she wants to move to Bethesda. Now, I know it won't happen for at least a year, because my dad just finally got steady employment and we have a relatively big hole to dig ourselves out of to make up for the last three years. My dad also says he really doesn't want to.

Moving is still a trigger for me. I realize I won't be  here forever, and I can't hold them back from moving if they want to, but im like... Whenever it happens I need to move first. Because if I'm settled somewhere else, I can't be stressed about them moving. But moving with them would just be ridiculous.

But seriously, why put yourself through stress like that if you don't need to?