Moving?

On Monday I gave myself an 8-month deadline to figure out if I want to/ will be ready to move to new York. On one hand, it feels really good to have given myself a deadline; on the other, I still absolutely don't want to do it.

I'm really conflicted. I'm hesitant to take any kind of full-time job here because I still want to end up there eventually, so it seems pointless to tie myself to that big of a commitment for so short a time. But I only make about $195 a week right now, and I cant live on that. And yet I both enjoy and feel  stagnated by my florist job, which I don't need my degree for and which isn't something I want to do long-term. But I like it, and I don't really want to quit yet if after my internship I can pick up something else (that pays).

And I'm really complacent about all of this.

I think it comes down to not wanting to deal with the stress of actually moving--finding a place and a friend to live with, scoping out neighborhoods, etc. I just don't want to deal with all that anticipation. I started looking at apartments online yesterday because I was bored but I don't even know where to start--and none of the friends I want to live with want to go intro a more upscale area with me. and my parents, bless them, are giving me a sweet deal-I pay no rent, come and go as I like (which isn't often)*, and we always have each others company.

*part of me feels like staying here is holding me back socially. I didn't used to think that, but I remember how in college I never felt obligated to be home and so was more inclined to go out or have people over. Here at home, when I'm in with my folks, I just want to stay in with them.

This has all started to take over my thoughts again when I wake up.

I really don't know what to do. Staying here doesn't quite feel right, but neither does new York.

Adulthood sucks.