Repressing?

I have so much I want to do, and almost no incentive to do it. I'm weirded out by the fact that I'm comfortable in my complacency here. I've said repeatedly that I could very easily move out right now if I wanted to, and  figure out the money later, but I don't want to live anywhere else right now. It's really comforting having my folks around to talk to for real (and get rides from and cook for and share the car with).

A lot of this has to do with travel, I think. Like i've readjusted to being home for longer than three months at a time (probably why August was so terrible) and now I'm back to that place where I have issues being away for extended periods of time. It's the reason I'm only looking at local acting jobs for the next...however long. And I'm planning a trip to new York in 3 weeks for my birthday because I figured, my internship will end soon and I'm about to have a new gig that gives me the flexibility to try and get some extra/background work during the day, so why  not go up and see everyone for a bit? but now I'm stalling because...I don't know how badly I really want to do it. I want to see everyone, but I don't want to be away from home, if that makes sense. My dad thinks I'm agoraphobic, which I think in some way I always have been even since childhood, but not in the normal way since I have no problem leaving the house. It's just for extended, overnight trips that it becomes an issue. Its why I was so surprised when my first anxiety attacks in college happened in my second year, rather than the first night (orientation doesn't count!).

I think I can deal with the stunted social life, since i've never been a big partier or go-outer anyway, but I just can't help but feel that all my friends in NYC are working on great things and I'm going to miss my chance. No one can tell me if there'll be a place for me when i do finally get there for good, and it bothers me.

Its like, I dont feel like its my time yet, but at the same time, the world is going to go on without me. And I can't figure out what's more important.

To you.

Everything might have been fine if you hadn't said that part about us being together if things had worked out differently.

nothing actually happened.

I still feel you.

So everything happened, sort of.

I hope I'm not hoping for this trip to new york just so I can get drunk and try it again.

What IS this?

Same old, same old, really.

But things are starting to pick up now. I have a couple short films I'm trying to line up, and i'm hoping I'll get a callback from Studio for the audition I did back in October. I have no paid acting work yet, but I'm getting some nice things to build up my resume and we'll see where it goes. They sound like they may want to consider me for the Box Office after my internship is over, if we can work a schedule out.  I also applied for some Brand Ambassador gigs that I heard about through one of the actors in the student film I'm shooting this weekend, but I've not gotten any leads yet. (There's great money and flexibility in it, so fingers crossed - my loans go into repayment tomorrow.)

My biggest issue is still this whole dating thing. I can't get into it. Can't get my head around it. But i need practice, just going on dates! And yet I still don't want to do it just to do it. And yet I have no problem talking to/with guys when I'm already with them for other things; it's just like...knowing it's suddenly going to be a one-on-one shuts me down.

I think, with everything in my life right now, I like the image of it more than the actual thing.

MOAR ANXIETIES...ISH

Just a few quick thoughts today:

First, its so easy for me to get distracted by the things I read about in the morning; my horoscope, the social anxiety forum, etc. Recently it's been the dream dictionary because my dreams have been extremely vivid. And weird. Almost everything I've interpreted this week has been something to do with unconscious fear, inadequacy, hidden desires.

Secondly, I still can't quite get over this moving thing. Again I realize that BEING there, LIVING there on my own isn't the issue, it's the problem I have with the actual act of moving. I know im going to have massive panics leading up to it, whenever it may happen (I'm aiming for next September but that might just be to make myself feel better), and I just don't want to deal with feeling all that. (im the kind of person who looks at big shifts in terms of first and last: "three weeks from now is my last night as a resident of dc" kind of thing. Its agonizing.) On the other hand, I know that even just having my friends around will make my life infinitely better when I do do it. But "my life as a single struggling actor in new York" is not something I can comfortably fathom right now.

Believe me though, I am trying. Sometimes I feel like I've really warmed up to it. I've been looking at apartments, just for kicks, and I don't even know where to begin.

I am so overwhelmed by the possibilities of my future it's not even funny.

Thirdly, back to the dating thing. I think, given my lack of experience, dating is something I'd like to be doing. I know I'm not in the game (whatever that means), so I'm trying to at least put myself out there a little. There's a college student I kind of thought I wanted to ask out at work, but I discovered in my trying to rationalize why and how I was gonna do it, that I have the intellectual capacity of a middle-schooler when it comes to being straightforward in person. (I also wonder if that means I don't actually like him?) I am intrigued by online dating, and I thought I'd found a new site I really liked, which claims to be focused on getting you offline going places rather than messaging via the site--and then, after I registered, I discovered I can't read or respond to any messages unless I pay! Even okcupid didn't do things like that, although it seems like this new site could bring a better crowd. They claim its to only bring in people who are serious about meeting people, and I can see the logic behind that, but in no way is the possibility of maybe meeting someone awesome worth a monthly subscription fee. Especially if I have no feel for the thing beforehand.

I'm leaving the profile up with the hope they might change this, but in the meantime there are a lot of guys who aren't going to get responses because I refuse to pay for that.

Lastly, I'm still looking for better things. Still no one bites. I hope this time it's because my schedule is whack rather than they think im unqualified.

And I have two auditions this week, on Monday for Shakespeare Theater Company and Tuesday for a non-paying, community theater "A Christmas Carol." Which one do you think I'm gonna get in to?

Sigh.

For the first time since August, I think, I am finally starting to feel normal when I wake up. I think a lot has to do with the fact that I disabled my okcupid account, which was a hideous time suck and was making me crazy with the desperate trolls and the constant plus my ego kept feeling. Im glad to be done with it for now. I still wish I could turn off my brain, and there are still things that are bothering me, but I feel more or less ok. Maybe I'm just less overwhelmed.

As for what is nagging at me:
-I keep thinking I want to go up to new york for Thanksgiving to see my friends (its been almost five months since graduation; I can't handle it!), but I don't know if I actually do. I think deep down I actually hate to travel (I always have to bring anti-anxiety stuff with me). But I'm just really sick of the rest of my family. Last time we got together I had to answer ridiculous questions about why I was still home and what I was doing and blah blah blah, and I just don't want to deal with these people anymore.

My dad says to get over it, since they all have money and were able to buy homes and a set-up for all their kids right when they graduated. And good for them! We don't hold it against them. But rich people never understand less rich people, and I'm just sick of feeling like I have to justify my life to everyone. I figured if I went to new York I wouldn't have to worry about it, but now I don't know anymore.

Sigh.

-Mom keeps saying she wants to move to Bethesda. Now, I know it won't happen for at least a year, because my dad just finally got steady employment and we have a relatively big hole to dig ourselves out of to make up for the last three years. My dad also says he really doesn't want to.

Moving is still a trigger for me. I realize I won't be  here forever, and I can't hold them back from moving if they want to, but im like... Whenever it happens I need to move first. Because if I'm settled somewhere else, I can't be stressed about them moving. But moving with them would just be ridiculous.

But seriously, why put yourself through stress like that if you don't need to?

Moving?

On Monday I gave myself an 8-month deadline to figure out if I want to/ will be ready to move to new York. On one hand, it feels really good to have given myself a deadline; on the other, I still absolutely don't want to do it.

I'm really conflicted. I'm hesitant to take any kind of full-time job here because I still want to end up there eventually, so it seems pointless to tie myself to that big of a commitment for so short a time. But I only make about $195 a week right now, and I cant live on that. And yet I both enjoy and feel  stagnated by my florist job, which I don't need my degree for and which isn't something I want to do long-term. But I like it, and I don't really want to quit yet if after my internship I can pick up something else (that pays).

And I'm really complacent about all of this.

I think it comes down to not wanting to deal with the stress of actually moving--finding a place and a friend to live with, scoping out neighborhoods, etc. I just don't want to deal with all that anticipation. I started looking at apartments online yesterday because I was bored but I don't even know where to start--and none of the friends I want to live with want to go intro a more upscale area with me. and my parents, bless them, are giving me a sweet deal-I pay no rent, come and go as I like (which isn't often)*, and we always have each others company.

*part of me feels like staying here is holding me back socially. I didn't used to think that, but I remember how in college I never felt obligated to be home and so was more inclined to go out or have people over. Here at home, when I'm in with my folks, I just want to stay in with them.

This has all started to take over my thoughts again when I wake up.

I really don't know what to do. Staying here doesn't quite feel right, but neither does new York.

Adulthood sucks.

No, absolutely not, I am not insecure at all

I wonder if doctors know how badly people just do not want to be in their offices.

Especially when they start asking you all those awkward questions. Like, "are you single? Do you live alone?" And my favorite, "are you sexually active?"

In my case this morning though, it was "you have never been sexually active?" And her eyes went all wide.

I know why you're asking this, lady, but you could be less incredulous about it. I never feel like my lack of sexual history is something to be pitied until I walk into a doctor's office. And if I may quote "Juno," "sexually active, like what does that even mean?"

I've done other things. It almost happened once and I'm not sorry, although I am secretly relieved, right now, that it didn't. Do I want to be having sex? Kinda. Could I if I wanted? probably.  But not for it's own sake.

But as a doctor, you should understand that there are more reasons for my taking medications than sex, and I do thank you for your honesty about why I don't need certain things.

But a doctor is the last person I would expect to be incredulous about virginity. Or at least work on your bedside manner.

I'm back

It's been a while.

I was doing okay for a while. We got a cat, and I thought she was helping the morning anxiety a little, then a lot, for the last few weeks. She is amazing, but some of the morning anxiety is back.

I didn't eat much dinner last night.

It's back,  but i'm not really clear what I'm thinking about. I've accepted that eventually I do want to move, but I'm not putting a timeline or a deadline on it. I do think that the thing I'm antsy about the most, in spite of not knowing when this will happen, is the actual move itself. Living there is fine, even though I will probably be lonely and upset for a while before I get settled. It's just the anticipation of everything else leading up to actually getting there that I feel so strongly.

Work is pretty good though, for the most part. I do three days a week at the florist and three days at an internship at Studio Theatre, where I also started acting classes. It doesn't pay, but I get my classes for half-price and a ton of administrative and box office training. And of course I'm networking my face off. And it's really validating to be with people who understand my goals and what I'm trying to do.

I went back to my okcupid. I still refuse to upload a picture, but I've been messaging this pretty nice guy from Pittsburgh. Don't know if I really want anything to come of it, but it's sort of fun to know there are other people out there.

And lastly, I realized a guy was trying to hit on me on the train home last week. Really awkward and  kinda creeoy. I think I saw him again yesterday. The likelihood of that happenimg again is like...I can't even.

i'm not dead! life's just been pretty good and i haven't felt the need to write.

also, we got a kitten. SHE IS THE BEST CAT.

i have a new internship too. more updates when my life starts to get crazy again.

Ok, Cupid...

Remember that Okcupid I mentioned I started last week? I got a message today. It wasn't creepy. I'm nice, so I answered him. Just names, what I do, etc.

he doesn't seem to care that I don't have a picture of myself. And I will try my damndest to take this at a pace with which I am most comfortable and see if anything happens.

Step 1.

One day at a time

How often is normal to wake up anxious? The last week or so I've awakened at 7 every morning, very nervous, and unable to go back to sleep, even after taking valerian to help me go to sleep the night before. And I start thinking about moving. I am CONSTANTLY thinking about moving and I can't stop. And it bothers me so much because I don't want to move away right now and I keep struggling with why I should and telling myself why I'm not ready. Curiously (or maybe not) I'm okay when I talk to my friends about it, but then I sit down alone and think about it again and it freaks me out. It just isn't fathomable right now.

I've also stopped being able to eat breakfast. Coffee, fine, food, no. I'm probably not eating enough during the day as it is; I eat lunch at work, and then I come home and pick at dinner or nibble. I'm losing a lot of weight. I'm tired. I kind of don't care as along as I'm not having full-blown anxiety.

I've taken to lying in bed for hours with my "Amber Spyglass" recording and my oldest teddy bear. I discovered how much it helps me fall asleep a few years ago-probably because its got a full cast and people talking and Philip Pullman's voice is really soothing. I want to get the first two, now, if I can afford them. Something about it helps.

One of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do is tell myself to take it one day at a time. I'm trying to be open to people and learn to gauge body language because part of me wants to start giving out my number, even though that's a whole other trigger in itself.

One day I will get there. I'm just not jumping right in. Baby steps. That's all it is. One day at a time.

It's not you, it's me

It actually is me. And I am so tired of this comfort zone crap.

Yesterday I rebooted my OkCupid account and started making a  legitimate profile. I didnt upload a picture because I wasnt planning to use it for actual interaction, but I thought it might be interesting. It is a lot of fun to browse through it and see what kind of guys are out there. Some of them seem articulate and smart, but it's so hard to tell who's being genuine.

As one of my guy friends said, it would be so easy to just send someone a message and ask them to go out for a drink. So easy. But I'm not at that point right now. I actually find that idea a lot more uncomfortable than meeting someone at work or in class. I really do think that the easiest and safest way for me to do it is to have my friends set me up. (or, you know, just keep doing what I've been doing and trust that sooner or later someone I know from somewhere will ask me out.)

I also got really uncomfortable with the fact that people can see you online and kept messaging me for pictures. So I shut it down.

I don't think I'm actually that desperate. Even if it is just a drink, when I go out with you I don't want to have to agonize over how interested I really am. Because if I have to think about it that much, it isn't right. I want to meet someone, but naturally. Not out of obligation to be doing something the world thinks I should be.

This is probably going to hold me back from a lot of experiences, but it all just feels wrong. Everything feels wrong right now. I don't have a clue who I am, I don't need the extra worry about forcing interaction with strangers.

I'm trying to just go along with everything and trust that when I'm ready to move it will come naturally. But this is the crappiest time, and all I want to do right now is lie in bed with some kind of background noise and not think about the future. Anticipation is evil.

Dad wonders if the fact that I've been waking up every day with anxiety about moving, even though I have no plans to do it soon, means that deep down I really want to. Maybe. It isn't about freedom for me like it seems to be for everyone else; I'm just starting to feel like it isn't healthy for me to stay here past a certain time.

Maybe at one point I'll go back to counseling, but I feel like as long as I still have my parents to come home to I can get through it. I don't want to need counseling. I just hate not having any decent reason to get out of bed, and every morning this week I've awakened feeling crappy.

I am just so, so confused and conflicted, and so scared to be adult and navigate this life.

To My Future Spouse

In one of my anxiety-driven googles this morning, I stumbled across To My Future Spouse, a tumblr where people post anonymous messages to their potential future partners. I've been thinking a lot about how much I hate forcing social interaction that I'm not comfortable with, and where I am with my life, and honestly I think I'm doing okay. I'm trying to be open to things, but I'm genuinely pretty happy where I am right now. And it's going to get better.

TMFS will edit this for his blog, but in the meantime, this is what I concluded, and I wrote in with this:

To my future husband,

You might not actually be my husband. You might end up being a permanent companion. You might even end up being a woman, although deep down, when I imagine you, you're always a man.

You're always faceless, too, because I don't know who you are yet.

I don't know where I'm going to find you. I don't think I'll find you here in DC. Maybe I'll find you when I start my new classes, or when I finally get my shit together in however many years I want to take to get my shit together and move to New York where all my best friends are. And I may be young, but at 22 I already know you will be a quality person and I'm not going to meet you at bar, or a club, or a dance party. I get no satisfaction from that kind of interaction, anyway, so I don't bother.

I'm not even all that desperate to find you. I will admit, though, that I am neurotic and more comfortable with familiarity, and that getting me to warm up to you completely is like walking on eggshells. I believe that all the "you've got to leave your comfort zone" stuff everyone keeps trying to convince me about is bullshit. I'm not merely being picky - I'm being safe. Because when we find each other, it should be safe, and natural, and easy. If anything, you're going to walk into my comfort zone instead of me leaving mine. And that's how I know that I'm not just sitting around waiting for you, because I truly believe that there will be a moment when I'm not expecting it where you'll just blindside me. I'm sociable, but not wholly social, and I don't need a lot of stimulation as much I just like to go out and know that I was with people for most of my day, and I probably won't ever actively start dating as a hobby.

If you've read this far, it means you're still interested. Maybe you feel the same way - i hope you do. More than anything right now I'm enamored with the idea of you, but the idea of the time leading up to it frightens me. Don't take that to mean I'm non-comittal! I'm far from non-comittal. But I have next to no experience with dating in a traditional context, and even less experience with intimacy. When you walk into my life you will be so perfectly natural to me that allowing myself to be vulnerable with you won't feel like something I'm doing out of an obligation not to miss out on something that's supposed to be critical to adult development. You may be my first, and that will be amazing.

Sometimes I get down on myself and try to force myself to go out and find you, but then I'm just disappointed. I believe in fate. Nothing's ever told me that the future of my happiness RIGHT NOW depends on forcing myself out there.

I do believe that you are out there. I do believe that we will cross paths accidentally when neither of us is looking. I want to believe I can be open to an opportunity to find you without forcing anything I don't believe in. I don't believe that I am any less of a successful, independent, stable young woman just because I live with my parents and enjoy spending time at home. I want to be with you because I'll still enjoy spending time at home - wherever home is - with you, just being.

My life is pretty full right now. It could be fuller, and one day it will be. I'm in no hurry. When I find you, everything else we do won't matter, because we'll have each other to come home to and, naturally, we'll just...fill each other.

Find me. I'm always here.

E.

Things that work

Sometimes I think I do this coping crap on purpose. Then I think im getting better. Then I relapse. I just spent 20 minutes in the shower hugging myself and then I curled up into the fetal position. I'm under my blanket again now, and I know tomorrow once I start working I'll be okay.

But I ate today and I'm not shaking right now, even though I am antsy about tomorrow, so I consider it a victory.

I wonder if I should consider going back to counseling.

Big Damn Comfort Zone

So I didn't get the barista job. I did get something new today, though! More on that in a sec.

I know people say life's too short to spend at home all the time, and too short to spend with the same people forever, but honestly there's no other place I'd rather be on most occasions. This week in particular I've come to discover that I think the root of a lot of my anxiety and general lack of interest in going out at night or staying out late comes from my introvertedness.

Yes, I am officially an introvert. Not in an anti-social way, but I thrive on comfortable, familiar things-snuggling up on the couch under my blanket, long naps, books, cozy chats with my parents. Quiet things. Solitary things. Things I don't need to really think about. Things that don't cause stress. And I always knew this, because I was like this as a child, too; but it's become much more obvious in recent days. I have always been one of those people who is severely introspective and overly rational and needs to weigh every possible positive and negative outcome of everything before I'm okay with major decisions. And some minor ones. And usually the negative ones get the better of me.

I'm not necessary bothered by it. I think our personalities are hardwired in whatever way they are, and if you're okay with things, generally, it isn't a thing to try and force change upon. But I think it does explain why I have so many hangups about dating and "adult things" - the idea of putting effort towards something that I, for whatever reason, consider a deeply important, deeply personal experience with a total stranger just hasn't ever seemed worth it to me. I am utterly weirded out by the idea of it, because i havent taken the opportunity and it has never felt right. But at the same time, I think a lot about how i fear ending up alone. I am afraid both of the vulnerability involved in putting myself out there and trying and of what happens if I don't.

So I just don't. I am made of infinite contradictions.

I was offered my new job as a florist-in-training literally on the spot. I applied on a whim yesterday. I have no experience with this. They hired me anyway, and they want to train me for a full design position.

I took it, in spite of the low wages, because I want to work. I took part-time so I can continue to focus on more things in my field, even though the people in charge of hiring for those positions have not been communicative. So I'll learn about flowers, and train at Studio Theatre, and act wherever I can, and go one day at a time from there. But I'm really scared. One, I feel like I'm taking a step backward,  working in retail again after college, even if it is creative and lets me work with my hands (i do love doing that, I just didn't expect it to go down this way). Two, I'll probably really like it, and I know its premature, but i think deep down theyre grooming me for a full-time position that I don't really think I want. My mom says that being afraid of something keeping me from pursuing theatre means I don't want theatre as badly as i think i do, and a part of me thinks she's right. There just isn't anything else I can imagine myself enjoying all the time as much as i do theatre.

And lastly, tomorrow mom turns 65. Not that you'd know from the state of her healthy and energy. But I graduated and she's 65 and suddenly things just HAPPENED and everything i do is a desperate attempt to slow it all down for as long as I can.

Coffee work.

Today was the first day I've been home alone since moving back here. It was appropriately weird, I guess, but it doesn't suck. I'm 22 and a college grad; I should not be talking about being home alone like it's some sort of phenomenon. What makes it so unbearable is the lack of work. Or rather, lack of productive things to do. I'm not even interested in a traditional career right now, but I'd love to work somewhere fun that gets me out of the house and meeting people and doing people a service. (And I'm sure people will say "oh, great attitude, go waste your life." Well, screw that. I have my reasons.)

I had my third interview with the coffeehouse down the street from me today, and for the first time I feel like I blew it. I hope I didn't. I had to go in and meet the owner, which I think is great - they're independently owned and surprisingly thorough. My first two interviews with the manager went great. Today the owner was asking me some of the same stuff, plus a lot of things about if was getting my own place any time soon, etc, which I thought was sort of unnecessary, but maybe he's just gauging everything - and I have to remember, I've only ever had one real job in my whole life (which is more than many people my age, but still...) and I'm still learning the ropes of interviewing. He was very warm and friendly and seemed easy to talk to, and so of course when he asked me if I had been looking for anything else I went ahead and mentioned the after-school teacher training because why not? It's a month away and there's no guarantee it'll come to anything, and it's all in the afternoons so it ideally won't conflict with coffee. And at the time, it seemed okay to mention, although now I realize I shouldn't have, even though he didn't seem to be indicating things one way or the other.

I just really want to work there and I hope hope hope I didn't blow it. That and the teaching gig would be lovely for a while - teaching drama is in my field and the coffeehouse is part of a cool little bohemian-y existence I always imagined it would be fun to have. And then I was going to just roll on from there.

And it's especially hard, now, to think I could blow an interview at a coffeehouse. It seems trivial - it's NOT, at all - but there's a certain amount of pride that comes with able to find something you think is good so soon out of school. It's not in my field, no, but it's the right environment for me at this particular time, I think. Which makes it important. Which makes it important enough, for the moment, to beat myself up over.

Because I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

A Quick Thought On Dreams

This year they've gotten steadily more vivid. Maybe it compensates for the fact that in real life I don't often feel like I have anything important to say.

Alternatively, my dad has a new job, so tomorrow will be the first time I've actually been legitimately alone all summer. Here's hoping I do not go insane.

New beginnings, and an introduction.

I imagine that my writing - and therefore, the caliber of this blog - will improve as I go along. For now, though, I'm just overwhelmed with a need to write about everything. Anything. Whatever. And this blog has been a really long time in the making.

In previous summers, I've said I'd start one. Years and years ago, back in high school, I started a LiveJournal (because it was a thing) which I've since abandoned except for posting things on my college forum. I'm an alumnus now, so I'll probably just let it die. Last summer, I started a Wordpress, and then shut it down in favor of my tumblr, which I also tired of in a few months.

I want to make this one work, though. Even if it's not something permanent. And I see value in maybe trying to make a little money off it if I can. I'm going to learn how.

Anyway, the title of this space comes from the fact that, as a recent college grad (as of May) I am now - oh no! - another 20-something with 20-something problems. And I'm not sure I know how to handle them. I think that a lot of this sudden need I have to write and vent stems from my unemployment (my choice, since I quit my old retail job of six years 2 weeks before I left school) and my feeling that I tend to feel things much more deeply than other people. I came home (I didn't really "move back in" with my parents because even 4 years at Purchase didn't mean I ever actually "left") this summer ready to decompress for a year or five while I tried to pursue new things. And for whatever reason I can't fathom, I'm really struggling with it. I love my parents and I love being home with them so so so much right now, and I have absolutely no plans to leave any time soon even if I could afford to. Alternatively, I'm an only child, my family is deeply close, and my parents would never dream of kicking me out. They like having me home too :)

Except that I struggle every day with the fact that I'm not ready. I have so much I think I want to be; so much I think I want to do, but when it comes time to planning those things, or thinking about how I can actually make them happen, I shut down. I suffered from pretty crippling anxiety as a child, and although it's gotten much better in my later years, it comes back at the oddest times now. "Moving" is like a trigger word. I see no reason to do it right now, although I certainly don't plan to be here forever (but they wouldn't mind!).

And the only person who's actually bothered by this fact is me.

Because like my friends - most of whom are from school and from New York - I'm just doing my own thing. Some also came home, though out of financial need rather than a need to be close to family. Others moved and never looked back. And everything we're all doing is working for each of us. Some people even tell me they envy the fact that my relationship with my parents enables us to live together like this.

My whole summer has been this weird string of panic, acceptance, planning, unplanning, more panic, etc. Part of it might be the unemployment and the fact that after August, unless I go to grad school, I'm done with school FOREVER OMG and this will soon be the longest I've been home in four years. And it's weird. So I've just been looking actively for a new job (not even a career, because I don't really know for certain what I want to do yet) and trying to get used to auditioning as often as a I can, since I thought I wanted to be an actor. Even that's made me antsy lately, because you have to be out looking for things EVERY DAY and it's a hell of life. I didn't move right to New York City to pursue it because I need a lot of other stuff first. And New York is ruinously expensive. And overwhelming as hell.

In spite of this all though, I've been able to give myself a lot of TLC, and have really cool intellectual conversations with my dad. And take care of my fish :) And I have two job leads for things that are completely different from each other and that I can do at the same time, and expect to be employed again by the end of the summer.

Everyone told me this year would be hard and I didn't believe them. And then suddenly graduation happened and I came home going "who is this person and how did she get here?" And I still don't know, exactly, where I'm going. I guess I can be content in my stagnation for a while.

But I have no obligations right now, other than to let these totally typical post-grad issues not get to me. So I'm going to write. Often. Because why not?